Forgiving Yourself

It sounds like some ‘christianese’ cliche to ‘let go fo the past’ but I have come to realize that this is one of the most potent ingredient to/for our desired future. If we are to grow, flourish or thrive in each season regardless of the circumstances it is essential to take stock of our lives and endeavor to live free of the shackles of the past that can be a result of many things including the inability to forgive ourselves of the part we played in it.

‘Letting go’ suggests that it takes an active, conscious and intentional open handed action to release whatever it is that may be directly or indirectly impacting our lives.

I heard it said one time that “you cannot drive forward looking in the rear view mirror’, meaning if we are to progress in life we will need to take our eyes off the past and be forward looking. The past needs to remain where it belongs: in the past.

However, there is also a tension that we hold of the past being something of a vice that needs letting go of and also an informative archive with lessons the can be beneficial for the present day. In which case, the lessons must be learnt and applied as we navigate our everyday life BUT yet letting go of aspects of the past is essential for a progressive future. In most cases, the past that is referred to when ‘letting go’ would be helpful normally pertains to a mistake, bad decision, heartbreak, trauma, abuse, loss or hurt of any sort that can occur to us on this journey of life.

Meanwhile, even the triumphant moments, achievements, highs and milestones of life- if gripped too tightly and carried through every season can become monuments that plateau our lives hence hindering progress -‘being stuck in former glory’. The challenge is then to let go of the past regardless of whether the circumstances were good or bad but more so if the is a hurt we are carrying as a result.

There are may aspects, points or factors that can be useful when letting go of the past, but one I have had to go through/experience countless amount of times, is ‘forgiving myself’.

Many times the past I regret and keep playing in my mind, hence allowing it to hold me captive, pertains to decisions I made that had undesirable outcomes. The self blame for that person I should not have let into my life, the one too many deserts I had, the snoozed alarm for a few more minutes in bed that resulted in being late for what became a missed opportunity, the procrastinated study time before an exam, the heated argument where I said something regrettable - or any other decisions or actions that have had a negative impact on my life. Whatever the circumstances surrounding the past that either low key or full on haunts me- there is one key aspect to letting go, being liberated and moving on that I learnt through multiple seasons: forgiving myself [yourself].

Learning to forgive yourself of past mistakes has a huge impact on the ability to forgive others as well, the importance of this virtue is immeasurable. An empowering factor to kick start this process is accepting that the first to forgive you is God as attested throughout scripture. Therefore if God can forgive me surely it is ok and possible to forgive myself’.

Next on acknowledging that forgiving yourself loosens the grip of the past on you, it somehow remedies the self blame, guilt, regret and shame that can become a ball and chain to keep you trapped in the past. The release that comes with taking onboard the part you played but yet giving yourself grace to grow from it through self forgiveness is liberating.

Following on, forgiving yourself sets you on a path of a perspective shift, from what should have been to what could or can be. Ruminating and going over what you could have or have not done will keep your focus on a past which cannot be changed but allowing yourself to move past whatever happened can help to generate the paradigm shift needed for better or healthier decision making.

Additionally, forgiving yourself for the part we played in an undesired is a form of self love. It has potential to improve your relationships, and consequently, the quality of your life. Living in the shadow of our past can cause internal discord, where the relationship we have with ourselves is negatively impacted. It can alter the way we view ourselves and ultimately our self worth or value. However, learning to forgive yourself has potential to cultivate self love which is the root of the love we extend others- you can only love your neighbor as you love yourself-.

I recently went through a season where I needed to let go of a past mistake that led me to immense hurt and trauma to some degree. Although the hurt was caused by someone else, I found myself stuck in a cycle of blaming myself for not making better decisions or choices, how if only I had been wiser or more vigilant perhaps I would have spared myself the heartache’. This space of self blame where my inner critic was ‘doing the most’ had a crippling and disempowering effect on me, making it almost impossible to move on or even begin the healing process. Throughout all the processing I eventually set off on the journey of forgiving myself by doing three simple things [ undoubtedly, there are many more things one can do, practically, but I will mention a few].

1. Pray - obviously- for me to realize/accept the grace the God gives for me to go through any season of life, no matter how tough it may be. In this case, for the clarity to focus plus acknowledge my emotional and mental state causing me to remain imprisoned by my past mistake or hurt.

2. Actively stop replaying the situation over and over in my head, interrupt some of the unhelpful thoughts by acknowledging out loud the mistake, allowing myself the humanity of faulting sometimes and figure out how I can learn from all that occurred- incorporating some conversations with a counsellor, therapist or any person with the skill set to help processing these thoughts

3. Continuing to learn about forgiveness, reading relevant material, listening to teachings/ podcasts and generally investing in personal growth in this area of letting go of the past that has many aspects to it including forgiving myself in-order to move on.