The Body of Christ has Atrophy – the muscles of celibacy.
1Now regarding the questions you asked in your letter. Yes, it is good to abstain from sexual relations. 2But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband.
3The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. 4The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.
5Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. Yet each person has a special gift from God, of one kind or another.
1 Corinthians 7:1-7 (NIV)
I have a confession: I never once considered that God may have called me to celibacy. I am wondering now, if I need to, at the very least, ask God’s forgiveness for not seeking His will at this fork in the road.
It’s a fork we all know – ALL of us. Typically, it’s one road leading to a beautiful, happy, grassy path of marriage and family. The other looks grim, decaying, and sad and probably has flying monkeys and ends at the witch’s castle: the path to life-long singleness. At least, this is how I think the majority tend to view it.
We fight with everything to go down the path of marriage and we pity those sad old maids who walk the boulevard of broken dreams.
To be clear, I am happy, blessed, and grateful for my marriage of 12 years and my dear children. I believe it is the right path that I am on. But I was never taught that the way of singleness was anything more than unfortunate – or at least only for people who wanted to become nuns or priests. I advised my world view with the horror stories of sexual abuse in churches by countless ‘singles’ who could not control their sexual desires and abused the innocent. Surely, marriage would be better for everyone, right?
SO why, then, would Paul call singleness a gift just as he does marriage, holding them in equal value and necessity?
7But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. Yet each person has a special gift from God, of one kind or another. (1 Cor 7:7 NIV)
It takes little convincing to say that marriage is a gift, but celibacy? Isn’t that a vow for strict, impoverished monks and nuns? Isn’t that just for someone who can’t find the right person or who wishes to abstain from unbiblical sexual attractions and desires? Isn’t that just an unfortunate result of the Fall.
Our theology of relationships starts in our theology of sexuality. And now, more than ever, our theology of sexuality starts in a teleological theology of the body. Male and female bodies were made for each other, for reproduction and for physical pleasure. Heterosexual sex within marriage was God’s intent and it is good, but it was never meant to be our identity. It is a biological fact that informs us, teleologically, about our potential within marriage and family.
“The problem is that when sexual desire is seen as the defining feature of our identity, it becomes rigid and inviolable. To question someone’s identity is taken as an attack on their selfhood and worth. If the person refrains from acting on their sexual feelings, they are accused of repression and self-hatred.”[1]
We know that conversion therapy is a failure and has greatly harmed many people. The motivation for this practice must be traced to the church’s inability to embrace celibacy and create community for same sex attracted and LGBTQ+ people within the confines of Biblical sexual morality. It was simply too hard to figure out the tension of embracing these precious people, so they tried to change them. If marriage is the only hope, these people, into marriage material and get them on the lovely path. We forget that they are still image bearers of God in singleness. We forget that straight sexuality is broken and flawed too. Marriage does not redeem broken sexuality. God does, in time, with intentional repentance and effort. from us.
We spit on the gift of celibacy from God that Paul cherishes and champions as equal to marriage (1 Cor 7:32-35).
35I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible. (1 Cor 7:35 NIV)
3 reasons we have failed, and 3 opportunities we have
1. We have made an idol of marriage
We have long neglected this community. These people with the gift and need of celibacy. SSA does not always get prayed away. Straight people have broken sexuality just as SSA and LGBT+ etc. have. We have all fallen short (Rom 3:23). Marriage is not the cure-all for our broken sexuality. Yet, we have treated it as such. The result: the body of Christ lacks the muscle of liberated, celibate men and women to do a great work for God with their lives. We have atrophy. As Paul said, the unmarried can devote themselves solely to their daily bread and the Lord’s will. Imagine an army of empowered, released, embraced, beloved, encouraged, and trained single Christian leaders – what great moves of God could occur under such undivided attention and worship? Alongside marriage, as an equal gift, not inferior.
2. We have closed the door to community for singles.
Beyond having a sad little singles ministry where the goal is to get them married, most churches have failed to create spaces for single people – even those who have not been called into celibacy and especially to those who identify as SSA or something else.
“The challenge today is to create new structures of supports for the practice of celibacy – structures that integrate singles into our families and churches again, especially older singles who are often overlooked.”[2]
Every adult should have meaningful, familial connections. They should become ‘adopted’ uncles and aunties, brothers and sisters, grandparents. They should have close relationships with children and deep friendships with members of the opposite sex. They should not be forced to come home to empty apartments every night. Our western view of making it on your own is particularly restrictive in this case. Why not consider building/buying/renting a home with a celibate housemate or extended family members in the ‘granny flat’ out back. Couldn’t this be the norm? Couldn’t this be a beautiful expression of the body of Christ for the world to see?
3. We have been too easy on straight sexual sin.
In holding firmly to a Biblical sexual ethic and Biblical view of marriage, we have been light on straight, cis sexual sin. We minister to the straight adulterer and exile the gay volunteer. We joke about men’s lustful drives at our men’s retreats and focus on motherhood and romantic relationships at our women’s conferences. We boycott movies with a gay/lesbian character, while we watch The Bachelor or the latest rom-com make a mockery of marriage and sexual restraint. We have weddings filled with guests without having ceremonies of celebration and encouragement for those committing to celibacy.
Yes, marriage matters. Yes, we should affirm God’s intent for life-long heterosexual marriage as the only standard of marriage and the only place for sexual expression. Yes, we should aid in the healing of broken sexuality for all. Yes, there are standards necessary for church leadership. But none of these things should stop us from equipping, encouraging, and championing vocational singleness. We need to reform our ideas of the immediate, nuclear family and embrace those who are drifting alone. We should not just visit the widow and orphan (James 1:27), we should bring them home.
When one member of the body suffers, we ALL suffer (1 Cor 12:26). When one thrives, we all thrive. When we all thrive, the Gospel spreads farther and faster.
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References
Love thy Body by Nancey Pearcey
Recommended
Is God Anti-Gay? By Sam Allberry
Pieter Valk and Equip Your Community
[1] Pearcey, Nancy. Love Thy Body. P. 169
[2] Pearcey, p. 149