Finding The "One" Part 1: What you're actually looking for

If you're single, can you precisely describe "the one"? Every detail? Try it, make a list if you haven't already. Usually people's lists will have a few well thought out and specific items, but most of the time it's actually difficult to explain beyond vague terms exactly what they're really looking for in order to find true deep chemistry in another human being. The complexity and number of variables makes it too tricky to figure out concretely beforehand so a lot of people will just go by "chemistry" instinct and "know it when they see it". Or instead they'll date a lot to try and figure out what they individually need in a relationship through experiences with a few potentials.

In reality though, these methods are somewhat flawed and untrustworthy. The chemistry instinct is intertwined with adrenaline and infatuation, thereby swayed by the rush of the moment, and add to it that a lot of what you instinctively thought was important chemistry-wise before marriage becomes rather unimportant after years later. And experiences with people you are dating now do not really help you with what to expect when dating with completely different people later. You could date 99 people and still discover something you didn't know about relationships (or even yourself) on the 100th, dating for the sake of discovery can only ultimately show you what you DON'T want, it can't help you fully define who you are and every facet of what you need.The odds of finding someone that exactly matches what you need are already low, and it makes it even worse when you don't know really what you're looking for in the first place. So I hope to do what I can to help you with self-discovery and putting exactly what you want into words, as well as what you should be focusing on in potential mates when dating.The truth is the feeling of being in love or having "chemistry" with someone is not ephemeral and unexplainable, it really is formulaic. I've found that love is a mixture of 5 parts, and when people say they're looking for "the one", really they're just trying to find someone who lines up in each of these five areas, whether they realize it or not.-Satisfaction of your individual Love Language -Matching on Communication type -Physical Attraction -Position on major issues -Type of Sense of HumorCertain areas matter slightly more to some than others, but if you line up on all these 5 areas, you will feel instant chemistry that will actually last. The more areas you match up in, the stronger the connection over time. What usually happens in a typical dating cycle is an alignment in just one or two areas, a resultant feeling of "chemistry" over just those, then over time the areas they don't line up on begin to be felt, and finally the breakup (or in marriage, a total drop of effort). Or people may keep becoming interested in others repetitively based on just one facet while constantly neglecting the others and wonder why they keep having "bad luck" in love. More on these areas in depth:I won't get deep into love languages ("The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman and "His Needs Her Needs" by Dr. Harley are good starters for that) but basically there are 5 primary love languages everyone is born with and about 30 total sub dialects of those languages. The point is to read up on these and discover which languages you have and how to spot the language others are speaking. Many of the more specific things on your list for an ideal mate probably roll up into these larger language categories. A few examples are:-If you are looking for a mate that will like sports like you do, you may have a love language of Quality Time. If you imagine your mate playing them with you, you have a sub dialect of activity-based quality time.-If you imagine your future mate being impressed with you and telling you how great they think you are at certain things, you probably have a love language of Words of Affirmation. If you expect them to always communicate how capable they think you are regardless of the circumstances, you have a sub dialect of Encouragement.-If you expect your husband to always take care of the vehicles and take out the trash or help around the home, or your wife to always be focused on the family meals and maintaining a clean home (traditional roles assumed), then you have a language of Acts of Service.Next, matching on communication type is the second criteria. Communication is performed in various ways. Some people communicate with a higher level of empathy and diplomacy while others speak whatever is on their mind openly without considering the after-effects. Some speak with great gestures while others use subtle body language. Some let known their grievances slowly while others let known what's bothering them almost immediately. Whatever your type of communication is, you will communicate more fluidly with someone of your same type. So conscientiously define how you communicate. Alignment in this area also impacts even how effectively you will argue in the future.Physical attraction doesn't need much explanation. It may seem shallow at the surface, but the truth is everyone is wired to a predisposition of physical appearance in the opposite sex. And when imagining their ideal mate, no one imagines them the opposite of that predisposition. What is defined as attractive varies for everybody and can span multiple areas: body type, height, hair and eye color, facial features, hair style, fitness level, attention to hygiene, clothing style, etc. The good news here is that knowing what you like physical-attraction wise doesn't take a lot of self-discovery, as we tend to know what we're looking for immediately.Aligning on major issues and priorities, be them spiritual, political, financial, parenting, etc is the next area. Like physical attraction, this area's also a little obvious as most people know what they believe automatically and discovering where a potential mate stands in these areas is simply a matter of conversation.The type of humor you have and expect in a mate is the last characteristic that defines a feeling of love. Some people can make light of any situation, while others can be more dry and sarcastic, others just love slapstick humor, and even others have no humor whatsoever. Aligning on humor type allows for a much more light-hearted life together rather than constantly not understanding each other's attempt at humor (or lack thereof).These are the five areas that make up the feeling of love and make relationships work with ease. Identifying which of these areas are most important to you, who you are in each of them, and what you need in a mate will make the process of finding "the one" much more straightforward and require less guesswork.So now that you understand what makes up the facets of a deeper chemistry and are equipped to perform the important task of self-discovery in these areas, once you're done you can hold out for the exact person that fits it all right? Well, actually no. In Part 2 we'll talk about why that's such a bad idea.