A Grief Experienced

We often associate grief with the loss of a loved one. But grief can also be experienced as the death of the life we expected to have when confronted with the consequences of marital breakdown, ongoing limiting health issues (mental or physical), loss of a career, loss of financial stability, the end of a platonic relationship that we relied on, or even a change of identity that turns our lives onto a different path.

“For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.”

Psalm 30:5 (NIV)

This verse does not diminish grief and pain but reminds us that there is hope for a future different from our current circumstances and emotions. Grief, in some ways, is seasonal; that’s to say that similar to the seasons of the year, which run for an allocated time as we know when they are, we can prepare to endure their effects knowing that there is an end in sight. Unfortunately, we often confuse this to mean that we will only experience those feelings and their impacts within those seasons, but that is simply not true. Winter, for example, is known for its cold climate or its rainy days, but rain can occur in any season; in Australia, it even rains when it's scorching hot, highlighting that sometimes there are no warnings for the shift in weather, leaving us no time to prepare pushing us to deal with its impact regardless… Grief does this too.

“Again I saw that under the sun the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, nor bread to the wise, nor riches to the intelligent, nor favor to those with knowledge, but time and chance happen to them all.”

Ecclesiastes 9:11 (ESV)

For me, every year around this time, grief presents as an uninvited visitor at my door. Some years, I try to hide in the hopes he will leave, or I open the door wide and demand he leave the vicinity; other years, I try to reason him away through the closed door like a weird version of Schrödinger’s cat. But if there’s one thing I’ve learnt, it is that there is no one correct way to get the results I want, so instead, I have learnt to surrender it all to God while walking through my grief, hanging onto God for dear life.

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
 and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
    and the flame shall not consume you.”
Isaiah 43:2 (ESV)

It's funny then that we think grief has an expiration date, and when the dates that stir up difficult memories come back around, we are shocked by the emotional and physical impact it can still hold on us well after the fact. But we are not failures if we experience this; we have not regressed in our faith because we are still impacted by the significant loss or change we were never prepared for, yes grief changes and perhaps it doesn’t affect you the way that it used to but just as we throw on a jacket or grab an umbrella for a rainy day, we also need to guard our hearts and look after ourselves as we manoeuvre through grief.

But let’s be honest; this is far easier said than done, so if, like me, this is something that you are experiencing, I want to remind you that you are not alone in this; God cares; he is with us even if we can’t see the results we desire, nothing is too small for him so share it all, let the Holy Spirit be your listening ear, let his words wash over you or hold them as a shield from the chaos because his truth is stronger than any lie you have been told or tell yourself. So be kind while acknowledging the reality of the grief you experience.

“When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth, for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come”

John 16:13 (ESV)

 “So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.”

John 16:22 (NIV)

If you read the Bible, you are bound to find example after example where individuals are told to anchor themselves to God instead of material possessions or other people because when everything else falls away, he remains, but this does not mean that God will be our genie in a bottle fulfilling all our dreams as we see fit, it does mean we don’t have to be alone and provides us with a community who likely have experienced some level of grief or supported someone through it so that when we are blinded by grief, there will be people in our physical world to guide us back home to him.

So, if you find yourself going through some life-altering change, remember that God is a sure foundation despite your emotions or circumstances, that you are not alone, and ask yourself, where is your community? If you don’t know, then pick up your Bible, read all about Godly communities, and find a local church. If you already have one, reach out and ask how you can get connected into discipleship because you never know when grief will rear its ugly head.

While we can't always prevent the mess it brings, we can do something about how we experience it, not because there is a ‘right’ way but because there is a God way which is dependent on him, honest about its struggles and comforted by the creator and Godly community.