Godly Conflict
When I was at University, I belonged to a Christian Sorority. I know, to many people, Sororities have become synonymous with parties, underage drinking, hazing, exclusivity and caddy behavior.
But Sorority simply means a group of women, or “sisters.” Our Sorority was a group of women who subscribed to a higher-level of commitment to one another; to be sisters in Christ and in community. We did bible studies service activities, and did life together. It was a beautiful community.
But just like any group of people we invariably had an array of conflict among our ranks.
For two years, I held the position of Founding President. At the time, I was a relatively new Christian, but this role would set me up to truly learn to operate in the boundaries of Godly Conflict.
Growing up, my family really didn’t like conflict. Most of the time my sisters and I would passively vent about one another behind each other’s backs, and if that didn’t calm us down, we’d behave passive-aggressively until the other person cowered into oblivion. Maybe you had a similar family experience or maybe yours was much more explosive.
Either way, we are blessed to have guidance from the Word on the proper and least harmful way to have conflict among our friends and family.
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” -- Matthew 18:15-17
STEP ONE:
“If your brother sins against you go and tell him his faults between him and you alone.”
This part was unthinkable to me at first! It’s so straightforward and yet wholly intimidating. I’d never really gone head-long, one-on-one into a confrontation, but here the Word was telling me it’s the first and best step.
But why is it best?
It is kind, and respectful to keep the conflict between the two of you.
It gives both parties a chance to speak their mind.
It can naturally soften the interaction, because it’s harder to be cruel when looking in someone’s eyes (for most people!).
It helps us gauge the severity of the issue. It’s not a comfortable situation so your desire for resolution has to be greater than your discomfort. If it’s something you don’t care to bring up face to face, then maybe it’s something you can forgive and forget.
Also, take note of how it says, “go and tell him.” This implies that it’s not in the heat of the moment, and it’s not over text (or in their time, letter)!
STEP TWO:
“If he listens to you, you have a gained a brother.”
When conflict is done well, and survived, we grow closer together. Because we have demonstrated both vulnerability and respect. We’ve deepened the trust we have with the person we’re in conflict with (even if things get heated) because we know that if something else happens, not only will it not ruin the friendship, but it will be handled respectfully.
This is why, in marriage counseling, it’s a warning sign when couples haven’t fought yet. If you don’t know how to fight and make up, there’s a level of trust that hasn’t yet been earned.
STEP THREE:
“But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two of three witnesses.”
If someone must return with backup, that’s something to take seriously. This is something that is not only affecting them, but multiple people.
It is very seldom okay to take a friend into the first confrontation, or to handle the confrontation publicly, because this can lead to someone feeling publicly shamed and ganged up on. (There are exceptions for bringing support when establishing boundaries when it comes to abuse, but that’s a different topic entirely).
But if the behavior does not change, it may be necessary to convey the point with evidence and support.
STEP FOUR & FIVE:
“If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”
It may not be appropriate to ask the church to mediate your larger conflicts, but the idea here is to enlist the support of your community. Once again, this is not for small conflicts. Most conflicts won’t progress far beyond step one or two.
With each step we see an increase in the severity of the action and the unrepentant attitude of the brother or sister in question. Ultimately, it may be necessary to tell them they are no longer welcome in your world, or that their presence comes with strong boundaries. This applies to family members, friends, and coworkers.
We are taught to forgive; we are taught to be teachable and take instruction. But we are not required to take unrepentant disrespect or abuse. Most of the serious scenarios will need to be handled, in the Godly way, with strict, but healthy boundaries.
**A note to those who don’t cringe when the thought of conflict comes up.
If you’re seasoned and have handled conflict well for years, you may have a good track-record of healthy conflict resolution, and you may not hate it anymore.
But if that’s not you, just because you may be “okay” with conflict, does not mean you’re handling it the correct way. In fact, it’s often a sign that you have not allowed yourself to have any vulnerable moments and have a pattern of steam-rolling your opposition. You’re not uncomfortable, because you always win, and always have support to back you up.
In the end, if you do conflict correctly, it will be vulnerable, and it will be uncomfortable. And a lot of the time we learn a list of things we’ve done wrong as well, which can be hard to face. You can’t guarantee how the other person reacts, but you can control how you handle it, and rest easy knowing that you did well.
In the end, if things resolve, you have gained a brother/sister. Which is a community not to be taken for granted!
God bless, and good luck ;)
#healthyconflict #godlyconflict #conflict #matthew18:15 #boundaries
